Everything That I Am
by Hyacinthe Cassiline
Summary: Dear Light-kun, You have disrupted and derailed the Kira investigation by stealing my heart. If you would be so kind as to return it so that we might find ourselves back on track, I would appreciate it. Regards, L
Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since I've written anything. But I had to get some things in my personal life back in order first. (I mentioned something in "The Stages of Love" to that effect. And speaking of, I am planning on finishing that – just really busy and waiting for inspiration.)

Anyway, for some reason, I recently watched Death Note again and got bit by the inspiration bug. So hopefully, the start of a return is here.

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Death Note. I wish I had an L though. Just saying.

Warning: I had so many Light puns in here that I literally could not help myself. I called myself out on every single one. Also, this is kinda L/Light. It's more one-sided L here, though. Gaymenz.

This was inspired by a mixture of watching Death Note and then listening to Vienna Teng's "Stray Italian Greyhound", which you should consider listening to if you don't know it. It's a cute and overall really sweet song. You know you want to.

* * *

" _So what do I do with this?_

 _This stray Italian greyhound?_

 _These inconvenient fireworks?_

 _This ice cream-covered, screaming, hyperactive thought?_

 _God, I just want to lie down._

 _These colors make my eyes hurt._

 _This feeling calls for everything that I am…..not."_

Deep, unfathomable gray studied luminous (it figured) honey-golden-brown. He had seen the change in that glorious color with his own eyes and he had watched as Light's face had transformed. The ice and haunted shadows had fallen abruptly from his gaze, leaving it warm and gentle. Years seemed to have melted away, leaving only the youth that Light was. His voice, too, had lost the edge that lingered in every word; he had become brighter (it was to be expected). It was as though a heavy burden had had lifted itself from Light's shoulders and left him completely innocent.

Of course, L was sure that Light had indeed been Kira. In fact, he had no doubt at all.

The machine in him could not, however, contain the human heart he hid and shielded. The nearly overbearing sincerity and the evident croak and strain in his voice from continuously attempting to convince L that he had never been Kira; that he wasn't capable of being Kira – it pulled at L's heartstrings.

And lord help him, he was starting to _believe_ Light!

L's trust was slowly but surely bending to the enigma that was Yagami Light. The worst part was that he absolutely knew better – he had everything but solid evidence; he had cracked the code and solved the mystery. He knew better than to allow his heart to lead and make his decisions for him. Yes, he knew better, and yet he not only couldn't seem to help himself, but he was enjoying the way it felt. L had never given his trust to another person, and he couldn't deny that the feeling was as intoxicating as it was alarming.

It was a terrifying thought.

In the end, he was still L and this could not happen. He had a job to do that didn't allow this kind of emotional freedom. His judgement could become clouded and he may make decisions based on _feeling_ rather than logic; decisions that may very well end up getting him killed. In addition, if Light became Kira again, L's death would be the insult added to the injury. He didn't want to imagine the sheer pain and betrayal of something as fragile as a heart, but of course, he couldn't help himself. Would it hurt about the same or more than a heart attack would hurt? He had heard countless stories of unfortunate people who had died of heartbreak and many more who had seen a broken heart as a fate worse than death.

If he allowed this…feeling to continue, then it would mean the eventual breaking of a heart in both the literal and metaphorical senses. A heart attack alone, however, was at least polite enough to be relatively quick.

And so, even as L suppressed as much as he could, he couldn't help the pleasant jolt that raced up and down his spine when Light's fully alight (but of course) eyes met his own, full of life, hope, and innocence. He couldn't help the way his skin livened with fire and lightning when Light touched him in some way – a simple brushing of hands or a casual touch on the shoulder. L couldn't stop himself from loving Light's smiles, open, sweet, and honest as they were. He couldn't stop the heat that rushed through his very being as he watched Light's face light (naturally) up with a flash of inspiration – for truly, his intellect seemed to stretch on into an extensive and enterprising lightyear (obviously) off in the distance.

But then L wondered how he was to help himself. Light was charming – and even that was a sore understatement. He was L's favorite things in a person: kind, almost to a fault; gentle with his words in the case that he may find himself dining upon them, though he could become passionate at a moment's notice (color rose in his cheeks and even at the tips of his ears; his eyes sparked and flashed dangerously with emotion and sheer brilliance); he was firm and his morals would not be compromised; he was flexible and willing to get elbow deep in another if it would help them. He was a lot of things that L was not, and he felt that there was a certain balance there.

Light was incredibly easy to love.

Not that L had particularly helped matters by ensuring they would always be together – a certain length of chain came to mind as the culprit. Though to be fair, he hadn't known at the time just how deep a hole – or grave – he had dug for himself; nor had he had any idea of the sheer length of the fall. That he was still falling and potentially falling faster on a daily basis, if his calculations were to be believed, was concerning.

Did that mean that his love for Light was bottomless?

" _What do I do, do I do_

 _With a love that won't, that won't sit still?_

 _Won't do what it's told?_

 _What do I do, do I do_

 _With a love that won't sit still?"_

The more L saw of Light, the more he wanted to know. The more he wanted to understand. Of course, he was well aware that at least some portion of Light's sparkling personality had been encouraged by his father, who was in every sense, a wonderful role model and an even more wonderful father. But L could sense that Light had his own reasons for upholding his morals that did not equate to "because my father told me so". And _that_ was the part of Light that L wanted to explore the most. L wanted to know what made him tick and what held him together.

And, even if L shouldn't want it, he couldn't help but want Light to feel as he did – that was: curious, captivated, allured, and tender. L wanted to show Light all of who he was, not just the eccentricities that pieced together the symbol "L"; he wanted Light to see the man, L. Just L.

As the days passed, L became accustomed to and fine with that want.

Even so, these feelings would never clear Light of being Kira. He had no doubt of that based on everything he had discovered about the case, about Light, and about Kira. Light had been Kira, but had lost his ability to kill and had lost his memories right along with it. L was not delusional enough to believe that Kira-Light had freely given up his ability and memories with no plan to get them back. L was also not blind enough to not recognize that in giving these things up, Kira had also – albeit temporarily – given up his existence.

And thus, L began to come up with an idea, and soon after that, he was coming up with a plan. It was insane and unreasonable at worst, and downright stupid at best.

L wanted to protect Light. Surely there was some way to keep the influence of Kira from Light and stop him from becoming Kira again. At heart, Light was kind and little naïve. He was sympathetic to this that had been hurt by crime, and many others besides. Hel, Light was too kind to tell Misa that he had no mutual feelings for her because it would hurt her. He was perfectly content to let the girl fall out of love with him in her own time.

L was determined to do what he could to protect this accursed killing ability, whatever it was, from falling back into Light's hands and therefore keep Kira (whom L had seen in shadows just under the surface, who had permeated and controlled Light head to toe, and who had taken possession of the ideals of an innocent heart) from taking over.

It wouldn't be easy, and it could certainly cost him his life. But then, the best things in life were never easy.

" _Everything that I am."_

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And there we go. All done. :) I'm still deciding if I want to write more of this and make it something of a series. I suppose you'll have to tell me what you think of it. -hint hint?-


End file.
